Today I walked into the hot room and set up in the second row. A friend came in and said, “Are you sure you don’t want to go up front?” She wanted my spot, but she also knew I’d spent the better part of the spring in the first row, in the corner right up in front of the mirror, so I probably wouldn’t mind moving. I said, “Sure, no problem.” I picked up my mat and moved my camp up into my familiar corner. In comes the instructor and notices there’s an empty spot in the third row in the middle of the room. Knowing that I love the walls – I’ll move anywhere – left side, right side, back, front – as long as it’s along the wall, (I never had any real reason for always being next to a wall, but now I wonder what it says about me) she promptly points to the open spot in the middle of the room and says, “I’d really like it if Linda would move there today.” Uh-oh….I didn’t expect that. But, I’m a good sport (she even said so) and I happily said, “Sure”, and moved my little camp to the middle of the room.
Hmmm….I was being a “good sport”, but internally I wasn’t too sure about how this was going to go today. I started to convince myself that you do the postures totally on your mat, so why would it matter where your mat was? Then I gave myself the “I am Katniss Everdeen” talk and reassured myself as soon as pranayama breathing started I’d descend into the arena and would never know my mat was in the middle of the room, floating in the middle of nowhere.
So much for Katniss today. All through the standing series I felt a little off-balance – sort of like trying to go down a flight of stairs with no railing – even if you don’t use the railing, there’s something about it being there anyway. My left side truly felt the absence of the wall and I missed my view out the window. I knew I had to reign these thoughts in before they took over and disintegrated my entire practice. I focused on stillness. Made it my mantra. Every time I fell out of a standing posture, I stood up straight and went back to the stillness of the set-up before trying to get back into the pose.
Today I learned a lot about giving up security, returning to a place of stillness when I felt my world begin to tilt a bit, and to start over, from scratch, the right way, instead of trying to jump back into the posture from the point where I fell out. Now I know what the wall has been saying about me. I was fearful of moving away from something secure.
The rest of my day continued to be off its usual kilter. After news time and lunch, I was absolutely devoid of energy. I napped a bit, but couldn’t seem to find my way out of the chair. I felt like I had a lot of things to do, but couldn’t settle on just one to start. In fact, deciding was taking longer than doing all of them. Now the anxiety of not moving and accomplishing anything was setting in.
Then I remembered my game plan earlier today in the hot room when I felt off-balance. Reign in these thoughts before they take over my entire day. Return to a place of stillness. Start from scratch – go back to the set-up and start again. I stilled my monkey mind and thought about my basic routine each day and what the constants were. A walk. Afternoon exercise. Those were my baselines. I don’t have to plan or think to do them. Just get up off the chair and go into the exercise room. After that, go out the door.
It worked. On my walk I met a neighbor and had a nice chat. She took my mind off of me and reminded me it was cheap chicken Friday at Stop N Shop. I decided later I’d go get one. After my walk I sat down to my computer and pulled off another children’s book I’d written months ago, made a mock up of it and actually sketched the pictures. By then I was hungry – those cheap chickens sounded good. Off to the store. I got my food for the weekend. Upon returning home, in went two loads of laundry. After dinner I finally sat down to this blog post.
In the matter of a few minutes I turned an off-balance, anxious, fatigued day into a relaxed and productive one, just by going back to what I learned in the hot room. Back to stillness, back to the baseline set-up. Start again. Always go back to that which is familiar and takes no thinking to do. This immediately alleviates the anxiety and enables planning and clear thinking.
And so, as another day goes by, the hot room continues to teach something new and different each day, changing careers from the work world to that of being a writer is a lot like leaving the wall, and…I have written.
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