Today I'm not talking about the sandbox that my Bikram yoga and Koko fit club play around in – namely, my body. These two nemesis, with the exception of Tuesday, have played rather nicely all week and I'm hoping this is the beginning of a peaceful coexistence. Unlike the holiday dinners so rapidly approaching.
This week I have been out with friends more than usual and the question I was asked most often was: So, what are you doing for the holidays? Are you cooking for Thanksgiving? Etc.
First of all, anyone who knows me would certainly never even ask if I was cooking for Thanksgiving. (Ok, all of you who DO know me, stop the belly-laugh right now!). On second thought, don't stop it – in fact I'll join you. It's a well-known fact I'm a klutz in the kitchen and have provided much comic relief when I've attempted the three meals I cooked last year. I join in and laugh at myself right along with you. Learning to laugh at yourself is one way to navigate the upcoming family dinners with grace.
I just finished reading one of my favorite blogs, Life After Tampons. Jennifer's topic today was just that – surviving these family dinners. Her title is hilarious: What Were The Cleavers Smoking? A Holiday Guide For Real Families. The link is below. Don't miss this one.
What it comes down to is, let's be real. The world of the Cleavers is long gone. Families today have more combinations than a bingo card, each member bringing baggage to the Thanksgiving table. The best line in Jennifer's blog is that she realizes the real:
"You're fairly certain you're not going to get through the holiday season without getting zinged, snarked on, screamed at, the cold shoulder, the silent treatment, dismissed, ignored, or rejected."
"The real" is, come on, even in the best of families, some of this happens and the way you handle it determines the holiday memories for 2012. One of the tools you need to put in your holiday toolbox that Jennifer points out is realizing you're not alone. If you burn the turkey (or cook it with the cutlets still inside – I know, you want to know how I know that – but that's another blog), are late for the meal, have to dance around the elephant in the room, – just remember – so is every other family on the street busy juggling their family stuff just like you are. Right away this takes away the "so and so ruined the holiday" syndrome. So it isn't perfect. It's okay. You are not a Cleaver.
I had to work years to learn this. I'm a type A who, quoting my husband, as he runs his hand in vertical lines along the countertop depicting how I like my life garden to look, "You like all your ducks in row and everything and everybody perfect and you drive yourself crazy trying to achieve something that's never going to happen." He's not pessimistic – he's just RIGHT. The sooner I learned that it's okay to have things a little messy and not try to push and control everyone to fit my perfect vision, just to make me feel better, the happier I'd be. Believe me, it's a hard lesson that takes a long time to learn. Ah, but the freedom it holds. Permission. That's what I got. Permission to chill, sit back, glass of vino in hand, and let the holidays unfold.
I have a wonderful family – as close to being Cleavers as your ever going to get. But did that matter? Did I appreciate this? No. I spent years in a tizzy that this or that event wasn't going to go off perfect. So what else did I learn? That no matter what kind of a family combination that is going to sit down at our holiday table this year, the time I'm going to have is totally dependent on my reaction (or, in some cases, no reaction) to whatever the day brings. Playing in our family sandbox hasn't always been pleasant. We crash each other's castles from time to time, steal each other's vehicles, push back property lines drawn in the sand, but, like the holidays, we always return and come together to play again.
Read Jennifer's blog post. Here's a couple of my favorite lines from it. You can see why you shouldn't miss it before embarking on your holiday trek.
"The reason why your family can push your buttons is because they installed them." (Is that just not THE best line you've ever heard?)
Then this one: (wow)
"Hurt people hurt people." Powerful.
In addition to realizing you are not alone, she gives five more things to put in your holiday toolbox.
And so, as another day goes by, I'm going reread her post, pack up my toolbox, count my blessings, and….I have written.
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