Just about three years ago, when my mom died, I was asked to deal. You know – called to the carpet to face a huge thing cracking your life apart. Only I didn’t. I didn’t deal with it. I hid the hugeness of it from myself. I went through the motions and did what needed to be done for my dad and my younger siblings. I made sure they got to talk and drink and grieve late into the night. I watched it all like a spectator. I did my job and went home. Walked away without ever addressing it in my own heart.
Six months later I suffered another huge loss because I didn’t deal with my mom’s passing. I was invited to a New Years Eve party by a very close friend. It was in another state, so I wasn’t even close to home and the familiar. Just past the stroke of midnight I fell apart. It was the first New Years Eve in my entire life that I couldn’t call my mom and wish her Happy New Year. All I didn’t deal with in the previous six months came crashing down on me in one night. What should’ve happened after my Mom’s funeral, at home, safe in the arms of my family, happened that night, far away from home. The problem was that no one understood. My very close friend thought it was all over her and her party. She wouldn’t listen to any other explanation, even after I did figure out what happened to me that night. Three years and she still hasn’t spoken to me since. Threw me out of her life without a word. A huge loss – because I refused to deal.
Now I’m facing another huge loss in my family. As many of you know, my sister-in-law, 55 years old, whom I have known since she was 14 and dating my little brother, is in the last stages of lung cancer. Yesterday her son got married. We prayed all week she could make it to this wedding. The mother/son dance broke my heart. She cannot stand on her own, so her son held her up and danced with her with tears streaming down his face. It was the only moment I photographed the entire day. It was the moment that made me deal. I let my heart break open and feel. This time I refused to be a spectator.
After the wedding we went to my sisters house. I sat late into the night with my family and put away a good bit of wine. I left my phone in the house and didn’t look at it until this morning. There was no post here yesterday. Out of respect for my sister-in-law and being careful to tend to my heart, there were just no words to say. When my brother wheeled her up to the wedding, I could only touch his shoulder in support. This morning I found a text from him thanking me for that subtle touch. Yesterday there were truly no words. There couldn’t be a post here without any words.
This time I am dealing. I am here finding the words. I am letting my heart be open to the sadness. I’m talking and writing and participating. I’m taking my own advice. I’m learning from my own huge mistake three years ago that is still eating its way thorough my life. In my Friday post I said:
Hearts get shattered and broken everyday, but we still love.
And we do. This time I will not only be there for my brother and my family should the inevitable happen, but I will participate in feeling it within my own heart, too.
And so, as another day goes by, life is about learning to deal, dealing is where you discover just how big your brave is, and…I have written.
Photo: Dealing
This is so true I myself have been through the same holding my feelings from my dad and my sisters death in which Sharon was also friends with my sister. It is very hard to see this happening to Sharon. I lived with her and John for a time — Shar lived with me for a time we had children at the same time and our children grew up together. Very heartbreaking