I have spent much of the last five days processing, just like everyone else in our country – trying to find ways to help, trying to find solutions, feeling guilty I have so much in comparison, imagining the unimaginable, trying to explain the unexplainable, etc. Today I found myself at loose ends in trying to make sense of a senseless act of violence. As I went about my day, I swung between not wanting people to mention it and thinking it's irreverent not mention it.
It's human nature in such times to try to battle back to normalcy. If you have children it's very important to do this and you must be their example. There is a holiday coming. People are going to expect you to show up. People are going to expect food and presents. For our children, it is extremely important to carry on with our traditions. In my ambivalent thinking today, I thought maybe what is good for the children, is also good for us adults, whether we have young children at home or not.
We've been beat up these last few days. It's time to pause in our grief and be gentle with ourselves. The thing I found most helpful in keeping a clear head is not neglecting exercise. I came home from bible study, ate lunch, switched off the TV and headed to the fit club. Despite it all, it's the one thing I knew I must do.
After a great workout, the world looked a bit more gentle on my drive home. Today was a rainy, windy, cloudy day on Cape Cod, but the sun came out just long enough to set. The first and last rays of today's sun were stunning as I looked up at the Sagamore Bridge.
As darkness fell, the lights along 6A seemed to start to twinkle again. I came home, threw a log on the fire, made a pizza for one and settled in front of the news. It's still hurts. It's still hard. But peace is slowly settling in my brain. I am going to go about my Xmas preparations just a bit more lovingly and appreciative this year. It's not about presents or the holiday lights. It's about those moments of connection over those presents, under the warm glow of those lights.
And so, as another day goes by, in such times don't neglect your exercise. It makes everything we still need to do a little easier, a little more peaceful, and maybe a little more sensible. May you find solace in your hearth tonight, as I have in mine, and…I have written.
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