Did you ever try to break a pencil in half? You know – where you grab each end with a fist and ever so slowly start to bend it until – SNAP! In Bikram yoga camel pose does that to your body. You lean back half way. Put your right hand on your right heel and your left hand on your left heel and bend backward ever so slowly until you see the wall behind you. You almost never SNAP, but once in a great while you do. Snapping in camel means being overwhelmed with emotion and actually crying. Crying from emotional release, not pain. (You should never cry from pain in any kind of yoga – if you do, you've pushed too far.).
I have never snapped in camel, but today I "snapped" after the warm-up series. I was doing so well. Then we began the standing series. I tried. Oh how I tried. I slumped to my knees half way through standing bow. I figured, okay, I'll just sit this one out. All of a sudden I bent my head forward and the tears started coming. (It's nice with the sweat – no one knows.). I tried a few more attempts in the standing series. I did one triangle and after that I was flat on my back for the rest of it. The huge emotional release took everything out of me. I cannot believe I only did one set of EVERY floor posture. I've never had this happen in two years of practice. Never. I didn't quite know what to make of it. I did feel a bit bad for the teacher because he didn't have a clue what was wrong with me. He kept opening doors and windows and I so wanted to tell him it had nothing to do with the heat or the room. It was a huge tremendous cracking open of me.
I lay there on the floor staring at the four dots on the ceiling that form the cross I look at everyday. I asked God what was the deal here, today. I lay quietly and let the answer come. I realized I'd had an emotionally charged weekend in NY and also had some hard rows to hoe these past few weeks. I was very careful to contain my feelings and today was the day for the pencil to snap.
The hot room WILL do that to you. You can harbor your messes all you want, but there's no hiding in the hot room. It's you, yourself, and you in the mirror. When push comes to shove in there, you're gonna get shoved. Everybody always envies those who cry in camel. They think it's a special experience they are somehow missing. I, myself, never understood it and I wasn't particularly anxious to have it happen to me.
Today I guess I brought way too much to class for it to stay hidden until camel, but I do understand this phenomenon now. It left me wiped out for quite awhile after class. I was careful to eat and drink and replenish those things that got physically depleted and it feels good to be rid of some of the emotion brought to light over the weekend.
Sometimes we need to "SNAP". Sometimes we need help to do it. Sometimes we need a safe place and a vehicle to help us. The hot room certainly fills the bill. No words are needed. Just surrender to the tears and for once, don't be afraid of being totally helpless.
And so, as another day goes by, I totally believe yoga is not a sport, and …I have written.
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