My solitary confinement began six days ago with the onset of a bad cold. (My husband brought it from NY). I haven’t been sick in years and forgot what it was like. I almost didn’t even remember my old cold remedies that used to work to shorten the life of such a cold. Besides the cough, stuffy nose, etc. it was the hold it was going to put on my life this week that irritated me the most. I was grumbling about a week without exercise or yoga, not to mention canceling all the activities I had planned because I was too wiped out to go very far. Besides the fact that someone who coughs like this should not be out in public.
Today was the first time in six days that I ventured out the door and took a short walk to the beach. While walking, I found myself appreciating the past three days, home alone, without leaving the house. I felt a strange sense of comfort and peace. The sudden slow-down seemed to soothe my spirit instead of anger me like it did over the weekend. I climbed up over the dune and eased my weakened body down onto the jetty. The sun warmed my back and I questioned why the anger over having my life disrupted simply evaporated. Gazing out over the waves I slipped into a familiar, yet not so familiar place. The image of a book I read over the weekend rose up in my mind like an old friend.
Ah..ha. The Timekeeper resurfaced. Thoughts lapped at my mind not unlike the waves lapping at the shore in front of me. These days of solitary confinement were carved out of my life because I needed them. When you spend three full days and nights alone with yourself, never leaving the house or starting up your car, you begin to listen to parts of you that could not be heard through the din of everyday activity. It took an abrupt halt to hear the message that I have once more changed within. My two plus years of battle with inner turmoil is nearing its end. I’ve come full circle.
Rising up from the rocks, tying my sweatshirt around my waist, I made my way up that same beach path with a new confidence as opposed to the tears and pain I climbed it with exactly two years ago. Ambling down the road, I held my face up toward the sun, feeling light, instead of hung down in pain, wiping tears under my sunglasses.
There were no tears today. Only the sensation that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. Instead of being at bible study, God was having His way with me on the lonely jetty. Squinting at the horizon line, where, for me, heaven has always met earth on this beach, I was back to who I used to be a very long time ago. He saved me from myself. I am back close to His side once again. He and He alone is who I follow. I belong to no one on this earth. No one’s life is my responsibility. I trust Him to keep safe and guide the lives of those that I love.
Two years ago, due to certain circumstances, I lost my focus. He saw that I was no longer focused on Him, so He took away that which claimed me. Day by day, bit by bit, He worked with me to slowly bring me back to who I was. He broke me down and is now building me back up into a saner, calmer, stronger and much smarter person, ready to tackle the next twenty years of my life and whatever they may bring.
The Timekeeper. Every minute we have counts. Whether it’s spent in joy or strife, it counts. Each and every minute of our lives contributes to who we are and is a building block for who we will become.
And so, as another day goes by, like beach path below I am ready for rebuilding, solitary confinement isn’t so bad after all, and…I have written.
The beach path in 2011:
The same path now in 2013 after being broken down and stripped by the storm:
Here’s to you for finding inner peace. LUV-J
Beautiful writing….
Diane