This week I have been blessed more than usual in the spiritual realm. Maybe it has something to do with the new bible study, or just maybe I’m ready to take some more steps toward spiritual maturity, if there is such a thing.
I think there is such a thing. When I was hurt big – I don’t mean like the usual arguments and disagreements with children and spouse, where you get a little over zealous, calm down, talk, agree or compromise, and it’s over. I mean the kind of huge huge hurt that just comes in “whoosh!” and cuts the legs right out from under you. The kind that will not be over by bedtime, or next week, or Christmas or years. I’m not good with these huge hurts. I crumble. Hide. Suffocate. Throw a monster of a tantrum. And, sometimes, do it all at once.
I run to God, begging, pleading, clawing, at Him to end it and make it all fine again. I act like a child throwing a fit in the grocery store – both out loud to a confident and to God. This, I have come to learn, is spiritual immaturity. After not getting what I want, when I wanted it, and just how I wanted it, I finally calmed myself, learned stillness and was ready to listen to God’s way. Those were my first steps toward spiritual maturity. That took six months.
As I listened to God and grew, I dropped those ways even in other times of trouble and disagreements within my family. I practiced stillness and listening instead of all-out tantrums. Now, two years later, I want to learn to walk the rest of my journey maturely – with a sense of wisdom instead of frenetic fear.
This week I prayed about that and was given two things; a song and an exercise. The song was one I mentioned yesterday on my friend’s CD – Skywatch – Your Delight. I want to be a delight to God as I walk the rest of my journey, instead of a sniveling pain in the ass, always begging for something. The next thing was an exercise in our bible study homework. We had to read, work, and pray Psalm 120. Then, at the end, we had to write our own Psalm 120. That was an experience, especially as a writer, to become like David and pick up the pen and write my peril to God in Psalm-like form. Here is what came out:
“Lord you have given me this road to walk.
I am your chosen one for this task.
It’s the hardest thing you’ve ever given me to do.
When the way is dark, I won’t give up.
I feel your hand on my right shoulder.
I hear your words in my heart.
I trust in you, Lord.
One day it will all be over and settled.
One day.
I want it today. I want it fixed.
But my ways are not your ways and time on this earth is not your time.
So take me, Lord, and guide me on this journey.
All I want to be, in the end, is your delight.”
That was my stab at spiritual maturity. Take what I’m given to do and do it without kicking and screaming and begging. Trust God in every way on the journey without putting time limits on it or giving Him my suggestions.
If you have a “thing” in your life right now that just won’t leave you alone, I hope my feeble attempt at being a psalmist can help you. I hope next week holds some wacky blessings for you, too.
And so, as another day goes by, a psalmist is one thing I’d never thought I’d attempt being, but in this life, on our journeys, God can call us to be any damn thing He wants, and….I have written.
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