Today was an odd kind of Christmas day. I had to drive my daughter back to Boston for work tomorrow, after which I proceeded to the cape, followed by my husband, where we will spend the rest of the holiday week. After I dropped her off and headed south on 95 towards Cape Cod, my heart was a little heavy. I hated leaving her at a T stop on Christmas day and here I was, driving alone, listening to Christmas carols on the radio.
My mind wandered back to Christmas days in years past. Most were fun, cozy and comfortable. We'd spend the day making a ham dinner, playing with the toys and games, having the grandparents come over to exchange gifts, then while away the long afternoon (sometimes in a blizzard) playing the annual game of Monopoly. I used to go to a lot of time, trouble, money and anxiety to achieve that kind of Christmas day where the house was clean, the gifts were just right, and the food was perfect. (That part would mainly be due to my husband's effort.)
Then there were some Christmas days that weren't so great. One, I had the flu. Another, when the girls were little, my husband was called to work at 8 am for an emergency and was gone most of the day. Christmas of 2000 my husband's dad passed away and the wake was on Christmas eve and the funeral was the day after Christmas and we spent Christmas day readying for that. Then there were the ones where a major snowstorm would thwart our plans of leaving for the Cape the day after Christmas and we spent Christmas day cleaning driveways at two houses. Last year my husband was ill and we couldn't go to NY for the big family dinner. The four of us had Christmas out here at the Cape.
Strangely, those not so good Xmases made me remember that it was not about the day being perfect. It's not about the food and the gifts and state of the house. The pang of loneliness I felt when I pulled out of that T stop reminded me it's about the people we spend the day with – no matter what we did – whether it was playing Monopoly, shoveling snow, being ill, or planning a funeral. Whatever we did, we did it together.
I think that's what caused me to pause today as I drove back to the ocean alone. We woke up and had breakfast together, but by 10 am we headed our separate ways. A few years ago that would have caused me to raise a fuss and maybe throw a little tantrum that my Christmas day simply cannot be the way I wanted it to be. This morning there was nothing I wanted more than to spend one more day in that tiny apartment playing a game and having dinner with the girls. This was our first Christmas day apart.
But alas, life intervenes. I have come to be tolerant and accepting of what is to be, beyond my control. I turned up the Christmas music and remembered what the Charles Dickens quote that I read this morning said about Christmas time as a time apart from the traditions the holiday represents. It's a good time, where people put aside their differences and attitudes and pull each other along in this life we live.
This year our day didn't really resemble a Christmas day at all, but we were all safe and warm at our various destinations, well-fed, happy with our gifts and our brief time together. My daughter texted me she was home safe, cuddled on her couch with Netflix, guacamole and chips for her Xmas dinner, and was happy to be home. My husband and I arrived at the cape house within minutes of each other and are settled and fed in front of our own hearth. My other daughter was happy spending the day with a friend's family. We weren't together for the first time, but we were safe and happy. I can't ask for more.
As each year passes and life situations change, I feel a shift in the tide within my soul. The various emotions that come with that shift no longer overtake me or scare me, nor do I give in to them anymore. I now know this as a signal for new growth and I'm being prepared for what lies ahead. It is important to be still and become a part of what is washing over me instead of becoming exhausted (and exhausting to others) by fighting the wave.
I'm finally learning that peace on earth and good will toward men really does begin with me.
And so, as another Christmas day goes by, I hope however your day was spent, it was spent in peace, and…I have written.
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